About the blogger: Jeffrey Stephenson is an Atlanta stand-up comedian and has been employed by Fadó Irish Pub for six years. If you want to see him, check out Ladies’ Night at The Village Theatre the first Thursday of every month, or come into the Buckhead location on most Saturdays and Sundays for brunch.
Brunch is stupid. Hold on, hear me out. I understand that brunch is your favorite. That the mere thought of brunch is the only thing keeping you going through the work week. And that’s okay.
It is fine to enjoy brunch, but if you take a second and examine it, I mean really examine it, you’ll realize it is pretty stupid. When I was a kid, brunch was a meal reserved for special occasions or after church. Anything less than a nice pair of slacks and a shirt and tie would be simply unacceptable. The mood around the restaurant was quiet and respectful. The conversation was often about work or small plans for the week. My dad might have two beers AT MOST!
To be fair, it was still pretty stupid back then, too. Which is why it kind of shocks me what brunch has turned into. You mean to tell me that shorts, flip-flops, and a tank top are an acceptable outfit for a full grown man to wear to brunch? That is barely acceptable at the beach! When did it become acceptable for throngs of grown adults to go absolutely nuts over champagne and orange juice?
I know what you’re thinking: “But I’m good at brunch. I would never behave that way! Neither do any of my friends. We’re good at brunch!” I have some bad news for you: No, you are not.
Have you ever been at a wedding dancing and thought to yourself, “Oh man, I am killing it on the dance floor right now!” Then an hour a later a friend of yours shows you a video of you dancing and you realize, “Oh no, I was not killing it at all!” Your dancing is a lot like how you behave at brunch. Yeah, you had the best of intentions and you never meant to be a ridiculous human being, but you were… you were an absolutely ridiculous person.
“Yeah, okay, maybe I’ve gone a little crazy at brunch before, who cares? It’s not like I’m making life more difficult for anyone!”
Except, you are. You are making MY life more difficult, as well as all the people I work with. Working the brunch shift is a lot like working at a nursery, except instead of adorable babies, it’s full grown adults in need of constant attention. And trust me when I say I understand what brunch really means for people. It’s one of the only meals during the week you can relax, except that’s no excuse to act like a crazy person. “But how do I avoid acting like a crazy person?” I’m glad you asked.
First, let’s talk about hangovers. Look, it happens. You go out a little too hard on Friday night and Saturday morning comes and it feels like an elephant died in your brain. We’ve all been there. Hell, I practically live there. But just because you’ve got a bit of a headache from your bad choices doesn’t give you the right to act like a baby. You had to be an adult to get a hangover, so act like it. If you can’t go five minutes without complaining about how terrible you feel (or actually doing any of these things) then stay in bed and sweat it out.
Second, trim the fat. I know it is a lot of fun to get a group of your friends together and go grab some drinks at your local pub, but maybe stop inviting Todd. You know Todd, right? Your friend who is constantly speaking in a dull yell? The one who calls your server “chief” or “boss?” Yeah, that Todd. Leave him at home. He is great to have around at an intramural kickball game or a loud nightclub, but he has no place at brunch.
Third, know your strengths and play to them. Look, there are professionals and there are amateurs. Professionals are the ones who can have five pints of Guinness and a glass of Jameson without even batting an eyelid. Amateurs are the ones who get a buzz after three mimosas. You are gonna have friends that will encourage you take that shot or get that next drink, but you have to ask yourself: “Am I a professional or an amateur?” There is nothing wrong with being either, but don’t try to go pro without putting in any of the practice. Trust me when I say cleaning up after amateurs is a quick way to ruin my brunch shift.
Finally, remember one thing: while brunch is stupid, it is also the best meal of the week. Because brunch is one of the only meals that can be exactly what it needs to be. Need the perfect place to introduce your mom and dad to your new boyfriend? Brunch. Need a place to meet with your fraternity brothers and pound back a few brews like the old days? Brunch. Need to recover on Sunday before you have to go back to work on Monday? Brunch.
Your server isn’t mad at you for being at brunch, we are just jealous. Brunch is one of the greatest activities in the world! Brunch is the perfect meal – without the stuffy suit and tie. You can be yourself without sacrificing delicious food or tasty cocktails. So toss on those flip flops, iron that tank-top, and get on out to brunch this weekend.
But please don’t bring Todd. Please.